56. The Bible – New Testament (100 book challenge)

A week after my dear cousin died from brain cancer in October 2023, I picked up The Bible. It was always going to be a tough one to conquer from the 100 Book Challenge but it seemed like a fitting read to take me through the inevitable grief to come.

Thirteen years earlier, my stepmother Margaret died from pancreatic cancer. I was overseas during her final weeks and never got to say a proper goodbye. She was a lifelong Christian, and left each of us girls The Message Remix versions of the New Testament bibles, with the following message pasted in the front cover.

And this is the version I decided to read.

Firstly, it’s a beautiful translation. Similar to my thoughts on Les Misérables, it’s an old tale translated into modern, accessible language. Many times in the past when I’ve picked up bibles and tried to read, it’s as if they were written in a different language! But this version was different. Don’t get me wrong, there were parts I found downright boring and repetitive, but I was at least able to understand every word.

As a non-believer reading the bible for the first time, I tried to approach it with an open mind and let the stories wash over me to experience the book as I would any other from the challenge. The first part – the gospels – where we hear Jesus’ story told from many different perspectives painted a picture of the man that was very different from what I’d heard from others. To me, he came across as quite two-faced and narcissistic (I am aware that this will cause controversary amongst other reviewers). In one scene he’s spreading love and healing the sick, then in the next scene he’s striking down a fig tree in anger because it didn’t give him any figs for breakfast [Matthew 21.18-20]. Red flag there. Run Mary M, run!

The middle part is about his followers spreading the teachings of Jesus across the Mediterranean. These people do not give up! The preachers get chased out of towns, locked up in gaol, beaten up… yet still they persist with the stories about Jesus. I felt sorry for the everyday people in those towns just trying to make ends meet then being bombarded by these preachers telling them a bunch of rules: wives must obey their husbands, husbands must be nice to their wives (but only if they feel like it) [Collosians 3.18-19], husbands can’t have husbands, women can’t sleep with anyone but their husband, men can get away with sleeping with people other than their wives (as long as it’s not another man – kind of limits your options when you refer to the prior rule) [01Corinthians 7.2-6]. Oh, and don’t buy cheap idols from a roadside stand, because that’s the worst sin of all and God will put you in a pigpen as a punishment [Romans 1.18-25]. Towards the end you can hear Paul’s frustration in his letters to different cities, where the people are clearly not listening to his preaching and go back to doing what they’ve always done the minute Paul’s back is turned [02Corinthians 1.23].

The final chapter takes a wild turn – SPOILER ALERT – where there’s a random poet called John of Patmos who hallucinates while in exile on a tiny island and imagines all these crazy things happening [Revelation 1.9-17]. Everyone gets stung by scorpions, or burned by fire, or ripped apart by a beast with seven heads and ten horns (that bit tripped me up, trying to visualise how to evenly spread ten horns across seven heads) [Revelation 13.1-2]. The kings and sailors who frequented the brothels stood aside and watched the Mother of Whores (great name) take all the blame because they didn’t want to get burnt (surprise, surprise) [Revelation 18.9-10]. If they happened to survive the scorpions and the fire and the asymmetrical beast, they then got to see if their name appeared in Lamb’s Book Of Life, and if it did, they could go to a place where it’s never night time (how does anyone ever get any sleep?) [Revelation 21.21-27]

So, what did I learn? One, I’m glad I read it. It absolutely deserves to be on the 100 book list. It’s the oldest on the list by 1500 years, which is something admirable in itself. Two, as ridiculous as the stories sometimes are, I can see how they have been misunderstood as the truth by so many over the years, due to their accessible messages about humankind that can relate to anyone at any time. And three, I now have a better understanding of how these stories of right and wrong, black and white, have damaged so many lives over the years for those who don’t, or don’t want to, fit the mold.

Did the bible give me comfort when grieving my dear cousin? It definitely helped me cement my beliefs. My cousin was a proud gay man who would have raised his champagne glass to a 7-headed 10-horned beast and laughed, and I will forever love him for that.

P.S. To address the elephant in the room: The Old Testament. I will get to this one day, but not right now.

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In July 2014 I set myself the challenge to finish 100 must-read books before I die. For my ongoing tally click here.

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